Body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) is defined as a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it. In BDD's delusional variant, the flaw is imagined. If the flaw is actual, its importance is severely exaggerated. Either way, thoughts about it are pervasive and intrusive and may occupy several hours a day, causing severe distress and impairing one's otherwise normal activities.
It is one of the most pervasive and challenging aspects to overcome for those in eating disorder recovery. I often feel as though I don’t accurately know what I look like, where the boundaries of my body are, or how much space I can take up. BDD is our society’s extreme fat phobia embodied, and it results in the neverending quest to diminish oneself.
I began to imagine my fluid conceptions of my own body as a way of expanding beyond its parameters; my body fat as an entity separate from myself. What would it think of my lifelong attempt to rid myself of it? What would it say about the way that I have hidden it from sight and apologized for its existence? Would it leave me if it knew the hatred that I have felt for it for so long?
Or would it stay? Would it continue to hold me with warmth and nourish me? Would it continue to build my muscles, fuel my brain and protect my organs? Has it always yearned for its own love, peace and acceptance?
